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Inner Child

Several years ago, at the Burning Man festival, a sculpture was erected of two distressed adults; both seated with their backs to one another, heads in their hands. The figures were fashioned with a wire-like material, thus, making them transparent.

 

On the interior of both adult representations was a small illuminated child. While the adults faced away from one another, the inner children faced towards each other, their arms extended out, reaching for embrace.

 

This is one of my all-time favorite works of art, and like all art, it’s open to interpretation. Each admirer with a different take, and their own personal connection and symbolism to the piece.

 

To me, the sculpture conveys the idea that often, as adults we carry baggage, the responsibilities of adulthood in conjunction with our own meandering experience often leaves us damaged, and jaded. Particularly in regards, (but not limited to) romantic relationships.

 

We often tend to shut down instead of saying the words that need to be said. Both partners grow distant and stubborn, silenced by their pride, yet their inner children yearn to be loved, they yearn for freedom from the self-inflicted prisons imposed by their older selves…they yearn to play.

 

When it comes to conflict, often at times children work towards resolution in a much more functional and sensible way then their older counterparts. While adults tend to revel in resentment, children do not. Adults often cut ties and sever relationships in fear of becoming noticeably vulnerable, or in order to protect their own ego. At times, the argument resurrects from something senseless, and ultimately deemed as irrelevant once the damage is done.

 

Children haven’t yet been tainted by the world, they act on instinct. They do what feels right, they don’t consider similar situations that have happened in the past, or fear situations that may, or may not happen in the future. They truly live in the moment.

 

When it comes to children, arguments aren’t amplified by personal insecurities and irrational fears. Arguments are just arguments, and they’re often just as ridiculous as the adult versions of these. However, instead of bottling their feelings inside, and shutting the other person out, they verbalize their pain. They apologize to one another, share a fruit snack, and move on with their fucking day. In my opinion, a much more constructive and effective tactic.

 

As adults, we envy their sense of innocence, and value their honesty. They experience the world in a much more beautiful way then we do. As much as we admire their tactics we don’t endorse them on a personal or in an applicable manor. However, even (or especially) as adults, many of us tend to be attracted to those who bring out our inner child; to those who promote a sense of fun in otherwise dull situations. Those who remind us of the enjoyment and nostalgia of childhood, those who “play” with us.

 

This attributes greatly to the importance of play in the BDSM realm. Although in adult play there is a sexual undertone, the concept is the same. It is a healthy outlet for many adults, and it is an opportunity to allow our inner children to play. In those moments of escapism, we are free of responsibilities and judgment, we are free to let go of resentment and anger in an alternative way. We are no longer adults weighed down the world, but rather spirits free to explore it.

 

At times the play takes on a certain scenario or role (otherwise known as roleplay). It’s actually quite common to play out scenes from childhood, coined traditionally by therapists as reenactment. At other times, it’s less regimented with an understanding of likes and limits and both parties are free within that scenario. No matter how you prefer to play, in BDSM or any other area that it could be implemented, the point is, to play! Let that inner child free and you’ll be astounded by the benefits reaped by your adult self.

 

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The Siren

In Greek mythology, the term “siren” is used to describe a beautiful, mythical, sea creature. As legend has it, these allusive beings would use their feminine appearance and angelic voices to lure sailors off their ships and into the sea. Once the siren had the sailor in her grasp, she would then drag him to his demise at the depths of the ocean.

According to ancient folklore, these majestic monsters were notorious among the sailors. A known threat to any man that navigated the sea. However, despite warnings, these exquisite creatures continued to entice sailors to their impending death.

 

The ideology behind sirens may be quite mysterious in itself, but it’s no mystery why these men would fall victim to them. Beautiful females have always had a way of tapping into a man’s inner most desires and extracting a certain weakness. Although there are different variations of what the intent of the siren may have been, the allure and imagery remains consistent.

 

Historians believe that the conception of sirens (better known today as mermaids) was originally created as a result of sailors abandoning ship to engage in sex with manatees…you read that right, they were fucking manatees. Evidentially, the genitalia of manatees are very similar to that of a woman, (now whoever was the first to discover this, I don’t want to know), however, with that being said, it would often result in the sailor drowning.

 

Nonetheless, this is nothing more than a popular theory, there would be no way to solidify it as fact. However, you take a group of men, stranded at sea for months on end, drunk out of their minds, and completely sex deprived, and it suddenly doesn’t seem so farfetched.

 

Regardless of the actual origins of the mythology, sirens were considered to be absolutely malevolent, and the deceased men were considered hero’s (you know, the typical bullshit).

 

In today’s culture, the term siren has been replaced by mermaid, and siren took on a different terminology. For those that don’t know, a siren is defined as an exceptionally attractive woman who uses her sexual prowess and mental aptitude to effortlessly induce men into a state of submission and often, utter euphoria.

 

One of the most famous sirens to date would be none other than the infamous Marilyn Monroe. The voluptuous blonde bombshell flourished in film industry during Hollywood’s golden era, but that only came second to her apparent promiscuity and scandalous reputation.

 

Although she’s been dead now for half a century, her legend exceeds her. She was known to utilize her sweet, serine voice and good looks to seduce men, and she was damn good at it. so good in fact, that she was able to seduce not only the president of the United States, but his brother as well.

 

Tabloids back in those days operated much like the ones we are accustomed to today, the papers would slander Marilyn’s name, while somehow downplaying President Kennedys role in the allegations. Although it was never “proven” that the two engaged in an affair, it was highly speculated and scrutinized at that time. Today, it’s more widely accepted as fact, or at the very least, likelihood. This is in part due to JFKs known sexual escapades.

 

Marilyn wasn’t the first to use her sexuality in this way. The idea of these freethinking women date back to ancient Egypt.  Cleopatra being quite the siren herself; but as society began to transform in a detrimental way, and stigmas began to be implemented, standards changed in order to define woman as the weaker sex. Culture indefinitely transformed the natural ordinance, and by the time Marilyn rose to fame in the 1950’s women were solidified in a role that prohibited any sexuality or liberation at all.

 

Marilyn managed to own her sexuality without exploiting it.  She set a new standard, constituting her as somewhat of a modern pioneer. Although it did revolutionize feminism in its own right (although some might argue it inhibited in), it more significantly ignited a confidence to sexuality that women of that era were previously foreign to.

 

Although much has changed since the days of mandating women to wear body suits to the beach, the stigma behind the sultry seductresses that dare to embrace their sexuality has not. Marilyn paved a path that few are granted access to, and fewer yet dare to venture. However, that road is obstructed by judgments and objectifications created by those that only stare from the sidelines.

 

The sad truth behind this, is that it’s not even about the actual act of sex, (although, it does have a similar stigma). It’s about the idea of it, an idea that a fortunate few not only possess, but absolutely emulate. These women may be considered an archetype of sorts, but it’s an image, and set of characteristics that they not only exhibit, but fully own.

 

The condemnation, (which continues to this day) is nothing more than the result of the insecurities of those around them. And insecurities are usually a product of fear. This particular angst is constructed by jealousy and the failure of understanding.

 

Some don’t understand the nature of sexuality, or outdated religious or cultural beliefs prevent them from doing so. For others, it’s simply a reflection of a personal fear, regarding one’s own sexuality, and for the rest, it’s an ignorance or defiance of understanding. Fearing another person for something so natural is not only ridiculous, but it’s ignorant.

 

the truth is that a fear so evident and penetrating, in reality, can only be counter-productive. when you fear a person, what you’re actually doing is giving your power to them. Sirens, by nature, are an incredibly powerful force all on their own, so they’re going to absorb it like water to a fucking sponge.

 

The truth is, being so confident, and so honest with yourself is a beautiful thing. Sexuality is a natural part of the human condition. I love the ability that I have, and I have absolutely no shame in this facet of myself, and neither should anyone else. It’s something that congratulated rather than condemned.

 

So, to all my powerful, fellow sirens, and the sailors that choose to chart the unknown, enjoy the adventure. Sometimes finding yourself in the grip of the siren may be scary, but there’s no excitement in familiarity. Let them take you below the surface of the mundane, and reel in the magnificence of the ecstasy.  Reality may take you to a place that your mind previously didn’t dare to wonder. And for those that chose to pass judgment on the shore, close your mouth if you don’t want to swallow the sand.

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Psychological Domination

You mumble inaudibly as you bite down on the gag, eagerly anticipating my next move. I drop the cane on the floor, the sound startles you more than the impact itself would have. I grab you by your hair and whisper in your ear, “not so tough now, are you?

Even if there wasn’t a piece of plastic inhibiting your speech you wouldn’t of said a word. I slowly began to loosen the tightly bound rope around your wrists. I knew I had conquered you.

You came in so self-assured, so confident. Tense, defiant, completely over-inflated and under-aware. A self-anointed alfa, I was determined to break you, and I did…. I laughed, as I sent you on your way.

A few weeks had passed since then, and honestly, I wasn’t expecting to hear from you. Although I was successful in sending you into a surreal subspace I was also exceedingly aware of your preconceived notions. The cultural credence that you are so invested in. The idea that women are somehow inferior to men, (obviously, we have vastly different views on the subject).

Yet, here you are, begging to come see me. Begging to submit. I contemplate a bit before agreeing. I didn’t appreciate the brash way you had approached me upon our first meeting. However, I did find it thrilling to turn the tables so effortlessly…so I agree.

You approach me noticeably more compliant then you had previously been. Not a word exchanged, but your demeanor tells me everything I need to know. I intently locked eyes with you, and with one stern snap of my fingers you are kneeling before me. I’m pleased.

I knew your new-found submission had nothing to do with the physical control I could have exhibited. For you it was mental. The truth is that you could have physically over powered me if you truly desired. You had at least 50 pounds and 6 inches in your favor, but that wasn’t what was diverting you, I had over powered you…just in a much more profound way. It was the psychology of it all that sent you to your knees, and this is where I found satisfaction.

People tend assume that my job revolves around beating people into submission, and although that does happen from time to time, it’s only the tip of the iceberg. A very small percentage of people are into intense physical pain, and as I am an extreme advocate of consensual play, I seldom get to venture.

However, it’s the psychological domination that you truly crave. This is the addictive component that you can’t get enough of. Anyone can use physical restraint to prevail, it’s the mental prowess that will leave you defenseless.

I say it all the time, but the art of domination is only about 10% physical, the other 90% is mental. There is something beautiful about the ability to make someone submit without malicious intent. It’s about manipulating the situation without imprecisely injuring the individual. The satisfaction isn’t in leaving someone psychologically weak and physically deflated. It’s about inspiring them to give into you completely, to get them to submit entirely with every essence of their being.

Regardless of how it may appear from the outside, it isn’t about imprisoning the subservient partner, it’s about freeing them in ways they couldn’t previously conceptualize. It’s not about rescinding previous beliefs it’s about disassembling them, and constructing something new entirely. Psychological domination is an art, and when demonstrated decorously it breaks down barriers, and is absolutely liberating.

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Honest Insight

I fasten a collar around your neck and drag you to your knees, forcing you on all fours. You shake with anticipation as I circle you, like a predator stalking its prey. My fingers glide down the small of your back, sending shivers down your spine.

My eyes lock yours, and in that moment, I know you are mine. Your vulnerability excites me, it’s what I came for. I know I could have you in any way I wanted you. The exchange of power leads to an undeniable intimacy. I could take advantage of you.

The intensity is palpable. I could have you doing things you previously denied. Things you would find electrifying in the moment but would ultimately leave you feeling dejected. As exhilarating as I may find the concept, I would never damage you in that way.

There is an implicit trust that is implied in our play, it’s delicate, and the line is thin. Although we may teeter, we both know, if we were to ever cross it, it would be detrimental. BDSM isn’t about un-complied activities dictated by the domme, or glorified abuse. It’s about conviction and consent. The interactions that evolve from play are often some of the most beneficial.

DS relationships have the potential to heal very deep wounds. They can build trust, enhance confidence, and often tend to create loving, profound, and lasting bonds. They are fun and adventurous, with the ability to produce not only a deeper understanding of your partner, but yourself as well.

However, abuse is a common misconception. The truth of the matter is that responsible adults in the BDSM community tend to stick to the “safe, sane, and consensual” school of thought. This precept is arguably the most acknowledged motto amongst the community. However, once you begin to venture out of the small circle and reach a broader crowd you realize that the term BDSM becomes synonymous with the “Fifty Shades of Grey” trilogy.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I never read the novels (though I did attempt it). The reason for this is partially due to the abysmal style of writing, and partially due to the erroneous message. My knowledge is limited to the film, which I found equally defective.

This of course is merely my humble opinion. My real issue is not that I found the franchise poorly executed, but rather that the dominant character, Christian Grey is an obvious manipulator and abuser. What is even more disturbing is that this is what is considered a staple and a socially accepted notion of BDSM.

In and out of the community there is a fair amount of acknowledgment regarding the abuse inflicted on the submissive character Anastasia. Christian uses his social prowess in conjunction with methodical methods of financial manipulation to force Anastasia into submission. Although this may appear consensual, it’s anything but.

Contriving the concept of consent doesn’t make it consensual. This blog isn’t intended to be a review of Fifty Shades of Grey, but rather a commentary on the misinformation provided, and an honest glimpse into what it means to be in a DS relationship.

Play shouldn’t be an imprisonment for the submissive, it should be freeing and fulfilling. It should be compassionate, not confining. Play should promote self-love and wellbeing, not self-hate and devastation. It should be mentally, emotionally, and psychologically healing. The only pain that should take play, is the physical kind. It should leave marks on your ass, not your psych…as long as you’re into that sort of thing.

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Fuck That

The truth is not everyone deserves you; most don’t even come close. This really pertains to all women, but Dommes in particular. However, for some reason, many Pro-Dommes end up in romantic relationships, with these awful guys who oddly enough seem to “dominate” them in every viable sense.

I always wondered why such beautiful, strong women would ever allow any man to disrespect them, let alone their partners. These are the same women who make an incredibly good living off of the fact that they are “Goddesses”. They are worshiped and adored by basically every man on the planet except the one they choose to give their heart to.

I could never really quite grasp the concept of this. I’ll be the first to admit that in my personal life I tend to be initially drawn to men that have some kind of alpha in them, but that really is mostly due to the fact that I like a bit of a challenge. If I can’t break them by the end of the first date, they won’t get a second.

However, I also tend to be drawn to intelligent and intuitive men, most of which innately know better than to cross me. Even in the instance I’m dating someone, if it becomes clear that they don’t value me in the way I deserve, or prioritize me accordingly, regardless of my interest in them, I promptly remind myself that men line up to lick the bottom of boots, and then show them the fucking door.

So anyway, today I’m browsing through my news feed when I come across an article about sex workers. Now, personally, I’ve never consider Domination “sex work” since there is no sex, but according to the ignorant man who found it fundamentally imperative to categorize such jobs, it is indeed sex work.

Ok, so back to the article before I get completely side-tracked and go on a 3-page rant about how the art of domination is about 10 percent physical and 90 percent mental…I’ll save that for another blog. Anyway, so the article was actually quite positive considering that the term “sex work” has such a negative condensation.

It was a pretty lengthy text, but the premise of it was that the reason sex work is looked down upon in such a universal way is due to the stigma perpetuated by males that the female workers accept as truth. The article didn’t really touch on Dominatrix’s, it focused more on traditional sex jobs, such as escorts and strippers. Now, it’s pretty obvious that stripping doesn’t entail sex either, but it is also categorized as such, so just to avoid further side-tracking, let’s just go with it for now.

Nonetheless, the article got me thinking about these beautiful, smart, professional Dommes that I know, that engage in such toxic relationships with such worthless men. I started to think about it in less of a personal regard, and more in sociological terms. We are culturally cultivated to look down on women that use their bodies, or any aesthetic attribute in a way that produces revenue. Yet, we are constantly bombarded with images and expectations we should meet; However, when were fortunate enough to have those attributes, and intelligent enough to monoplolize on that, suddenly we’re whores. And we as women accept this, but why? We’ve been beaten down and manipulated to such a staggering degree that we feed into this bullshit…but fuck that!

And fuck you….to every guy that has ever found it acceptable to mentally or physically demine a woman and blame it on her profession. Fuck you to every “man” that has been intimidated by a powerful woman and in turn made her feel powerless. Fuck you to any man that has ever cut a woman down to size in order to feel bigger. Fuck you the men that are willing to rob a woman of her inner beauty so she can match his own reflection. Fuck you to the insecure men that will break you down in every way possible, so you are forced to become dependent on them. Fuck you to the freeloading losers that will spend his woman’s money while simultaneously slut shaming her. And to all ignorant assholes who are passing judgment, without even having the intellect to comprehend what they are judging.

And fuck you, to anyone that ever makes you feel less then you are…you are nothing short of spectacular. You are beautiful, you are a boss, you are fearless, you are strong, you are a fucking Goddess, and the only thing you should be ashamed about is picking the wrong man, but we all make mistakes. So wipe the mascara from under your eyes, apply that perfect shade of lipstick, put on those boots and strut your sexy ass right on to better things. Keep slaying ladies!

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Instinct

I couldn’t help myself. I knew better, but the desire to have you was almost animalistic. Of course, I didn’t want you in the way that you want to be wanted. My intentions toward you were something different entirely. It wasn’t enough for me to just have you, I wanted to own you…sounds kind of selfish right?

I couldn’t seem to conduct myself in a non-predatory way; despite my best efforts every time I was in your presence, I could only focus on controlling you. The core intent in every action I made was to seduce you. But I didn’t seduce you in the way you wanted to be seduced…I didn’t want to lure you into my bed, I wanted to force you to your knees.

Now of course this wasn’t your forte, not that I’d ever come right out and ask you. That wouldn’t be fun now would it? Normally I have no problem just relaying my rigorous list of demands and expecting my subject to eagerly comply. However, that wasn’t the case this time. You started to become more of a conquest and less of a person.

I felt guilty. As someone that so strongly advocates the consensual side of play I was ashamed of my actions, but just couldn’t help myself. I had to have you, and it had to be in the way that I wanted it. It wasn’t manipulative or malicious, just primitive. I wanted you to want it, and I knew that if I could just get you in the position to taste it you’d develop a craving. The loss of control I felt over myself only propelled the need to control you.

You wanted me, you made that pretty evident from the beginning. You wanted me in the same way that all men want me; perhaps even something more. You’d always look at me in awe with indescribable admiration. I wanted you to admire me; but not in the way that you did. It made me feel bad.

I had no intention of loving you, of course I’d love you to some extent; the practice of BDSM seems to create that bond. I suppose it’s something to do with the implicit trust. I wanted to share that with you, I wanted you to see how beautiful it really is. How freeing it feels to be owned, but I knew that wasn’t the kind of bond you were looking for.

I was afraid I was going to ruin you, you craved a certain normalcy that I could trump entirely. I just wanted to expand your horizons, and offer you experiences you couldn’t obtain in the past. I wanted to give you something you didn’t know you needed, but I knew if I gave it to you, you would start to fiend for it. I wanted you to have it, but I couldn’t be the one to give it to you.

I’m good at reading people, hearing the words that are never spoken. I knew you in ways you probably didn’t even know yourself. I knew your body without ever exploiting it. I knew you’d easily become addicted, and I’d easily become bored. I also knew you’d easily become hurt, and as bad as I wanted you, I decided to back off completely.

It was easier to resist the urge if I cut off contact with you, and so I did. Several months went by before you finally gave up. After a while I forgot about the urge entirely. I didn’t think about you much at all after that, and I could remember the impulse to own you, but couldn’t remember quite how it felt. Then the other day I’m going through my emails. I notice one, and written in the subject line is, “I need to be controlled.” I open the email, and guess what…it was you.

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The Mistress & The Therapist

I approach him in a generally more affable manor then I’m accustomed to; his unease palpable. This isn’t the usual submissive nervousness that I’m familiar with, but rather a genuine fear. The confidence he exhibited on the phone somehow shatters in my presence. He trembles as I remove his clothes, slowly fastening a collar around his neck.

When we spoke prior to the session he informed me that he had seen a professional dominatrix in the past, but now I’m not so sure. He watches me intently as I walk to the corner of the room and remove a pair of fishnet stockings and pink frilly panties from the dresser, I hold them out in the air. He stares at the items anxiously as I motion him toward me with a deliberate movement of my hand. He slowly crawls over, shaking more ferociously then before. When he reaches my feet he kneels before me, terrified.

I reach down and slip my finger through the ring on his collar, pulling him towards me. “Put these on” I whisper in his ear. Without another word he removes the items from my hand. He studies the garments for a few moments, trying to comprehend the correct way of fashioning them. He takes a deep breath before slipping them on. Once he’s satisfied with his efforts he stands motionless, hanging his head in shame.

I softly run my hands over his shoulders, before hugging him tightly, “you look so pretty,” I say as I tense my grip. I can’t see his expression but I can feel him ease in my arms. After a moment I pull away so I can get a good look at him, tears are streaming down his face. He smiles at me and says, “you think I’m pretty?”…. “I do.” I reply, and I mean it.

To him, booking an hour with me wasn’t about simply indulging in some satisfying sissy play, it was about finding a place that he could just be himself, and doing so in front of someone that wouldn’t judge him. I was so honored to be his safe place. It reminded me why I’m so adamant to defend what I do to people that don’t understand, why I’m constantly defending the psychosis behind it, and so tirelessly endorse the psychological benefits.

The truth is, that being a submissive, a fetishist, a expeditionist, or a voyager doesn’t mean that you need a therapist, but administering it is often a form of therapy. Very seldom do our desires stem from a traumatic event as a child, though it can usually be traced to an event from our childhood. The age of the root cause is often irrelevant, but the point is that what we do in playtime is sometimes a form of reenactment or acting out, or acting through something we innately need. As long as the results are positive, then how can what we do be wrong? It’s not.

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Human Nature

Humans are sexual by nature. It’s been this way since the dawn of our existence. It’s in our genetic makeup, it’s a desire that’s encoded in us, and dictates almost every aspect of our lives. It’s evident in everything we do, even more so in everything we see. We are predisposed to respond to sexuality almost viscerally, and yet are ostracized when it seems to escape the norm. When the “norm” is an outdated standard set in a time of sexual oppression.

We’re a far cry from the days where exposing too much skin would be grounds for indictable punishment. However, BDSM seems to fall short in the realm of social acceptance. We live in a world where sexuality is exploited, and woman are judged by their appearance rather than their intellect. The media constantly feeds us images of females being presented as sexual objects, and rap songs praise strippers, yet the idea of a sexually dominant female is never presented in the main stream unless it’s as a joke.

The most widely accepted literature on the subject is Fifty Shades of Grey, which in principal is about a dominant man and a submissive woman. This is the most notable material on the subject in the vanilla world, and one of the most grossly misinformed representations of BDSM I’ve ever had the misfortune of reading. Fifty Shades isn’t about a consensual BDSM relationship at all. It’s about a financially successful man who essentially manipulates and mentally abuses a woman forcing her into a DS type of relationship.

The only positive thing the BDSM community got from this franchise is presenting the life style on a much broader spectrum. It allows bored house wives to spank their partners after bounding them to the bed post with bungee rope, and now they can do so unrepressed and in a fashionable manor. Please don’t’ misunderstand, I’m not trying to put down vanilla relationships in saying this. I’m friends with a lot of vanilla couples, and they don’t judge my preferences, as I don’t judge theirs.

I clearly gravitate towards more…interesting relationships, and can’t seem to appreciate the vanilla lifestyle in quite the same regard. In all honesty I tried it once, and it was the worst three months of my life. I also tried my hand at being submissive to one of my partners (outside of solitary experiences for professional reasons) that also didn’t last long. I’ve tried pretty much everything you can imagine, and because of that I know that I work best in a dominate role, it’s something that I get an incredible high from and comes absolutely naturally to me.

I personally don’t give a shit what suits you best, but the point is at least find out what suits you. I’m such a huge advocate of the practice, and am so proud of what I do. I have no shame in telling others, and although you don’t need to be as verbal about it as I am don’t be ashamed of it. I understand that everyone has their reasons for discretion, but to me it has been my saving grace in so many different ways (and I know a lot of life stylers with similar sentiment). The ones that are constantly trying to shame me about it are the same ones that have no prerequisite to do so.

Don’t allow someone else’s preconceived notions about something they know nothing about deprive you of the experience.

-Mistress Kayla

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A Guideline to Better Sessions

Are you an unsatisfied submissive?

Do you often leave your sessions feeling a strong sense of disappointment?

Do you fail to make the type of connection that your little servant soul so desires?

Have you ran through various dommes faster then a fat kid chasing an ice-cream truck and yet, each falls short of your spectacular expectations?

If you’ve answered yes to any or all of these questions, then guess what sweetheart, the problem isn’t her…it’s you. I know at first brush this may be a bit much for your little slutty mouth to swallow, but luckily for you I’ve been kind enough to assemble an easy to follow list of ways you may be inadvertently sabotaging your sessions.

This way you can make a conscious effort to avoid these fatal mistakes and make the most out of your time while valuing hers.

1. You have a rigorous set of demands: As much as I appreciate the time you took out of your busy day to write me a never-ending email entailing a step-by step guide on how you’d like your session to unfold you’ve just completely stifled my creativity while simultaneously taking the joy out of my experience…way to go. I understand that sometimes, (particularly pertaining to role-play) there are certain notes you want to hit and that’s fine, but don’t be so unwavering that we find ourselves going through a chronological agenda that is going to play out mechanically. If there’s no freedom for me to do what I do best don’t be surprised when the result is mediocre.

2. Your fantasy is too rigid: It’s my job to play out your fantasies, and believe it or not I get as much satisfaction out of the scenario as you, but subs, understand that when you build up an ideal in your mind so precise that the slightest infraction will ruin it, you’re setting us both up for failure. Please, by all means, tell me all about the dirty dark fantasies you’ve had about Sister Ann Marie, the unconventional hot nun that instructed your second grade class. Reminisce about the endless hours she spent disciplining you with the broad side of her paddle…really I’m intrigued; but understand you just spent the last 40 some-odd years jerking off to something you’ve built up in your mind so enormous that the reality can never live up to the fantasy. Don’t get me wrong, I’d be more then happy to treat you like the naughty school boy you are, force your pants down to your ankles and beat that rebellious butt until the feeling of my hand is forever imprinted on your mind, shit I’ll even wear the clergy veil; but please understand at the end of the day I’m not Sister Ann Marie, so when you fail to differentiate the two it’s going to end in disappointment. The truth is, although you may think you’re trying to replicate the person, what you’re really trying to replicate is the experience. You are seeking the feelings that fueled that fantasy in the first place. If you allow me to discipline you in the way that only I know best you may be pleased to find that I evoke something in you that surpasses what you expected and offer you a reality that exceeds your wildest dreams.

3. You don’t properly communicate what you want: Sometimes (especially for subs new to the game) you don’t know exactly what you want, and that’s fine. I get immense pleasure out of breaking newbies in, we establish a few limits, respect a few boundaries, and before you know it your discovering things about yourself that you never knew existed and I’m taking you to places you’ve never been before. However, if you’re a vet, with particular taste, and know exactly what you want you need to communicate that. When I ask you what your interests are (unless you’re that 1%) don’t say everything because we both know that’s a Goddamn lie. I don’t give a fuck if your forte is rubbing Jell-O cut outs in the shape of Abraham Lincoln on your nipples while you stare at my little toe, everyone has their thing, and if that’s yours then fucking say it. Too often subs will tell me what they think I want to hear, when in reality what I want to hear is the truth. As much as I appreciate your eagerness to please me, a great deal of my pleasure comes from your satisfaction. I’m an incredibly intuitive person, and I may be able to read your body, but I can’t read your fucking mind. So speak up.

4. You want something I don’t offer: I’m talking about SEX. Don’t call me asking for some retarded shit like a fucking shaft massage, if you want a hand job call a hooker.

5. You think you want one thing, but actually want another: The beautiful thing about fantasy is that it can exceed the bounds of reality, sometimes they coincide, and sometimes they don’t, but you need to know the difference. It’s ok to have a fantasy about being burned with a suturing iron, it’s even ok to talk about it, but it’s a different thing entirely to do it. I personally don’t do anything that leaves permanent damage, but some dommes do, and if you ask for it, specifically if you are doing a no safe word session, that little scenario that you like to daydream about is going to turn into a nightmare pretty quickly. This pertains mostly to sadistic sessions; you may get off on the idea of certain sadisms, but theirs a big difference between talking about something and actually doing it. You need to differentiate what sounds like a good idea, and what actually is one. I have a lot of clients that like to talk about a certain deeds while in session, but would never actually want to play them out in real life. Not everyone can tell the difference, and not everyone cares to. You need to learn what it is you actually want, and you need to convey that properly or you run the risk of ending up with scars not only on the body, but the psyche as well, which are a lot harder to mend.

Well subbies, I hope that this was helpful; play nice boys:)

-Mistress Kayla

Open post

The Psychology of BDSM

I can’t really explain the therapeutic attributes of BDSM…I just know that they exist. After being on a 5-day hiatus I can only assume that the inexplicit void is a result of the absence of my typical behavior. Although I didn’t embark on this venture to correct (or rather sooth) something visceral within me, I understand that it does. Of course if I were paying closer attention to the absolute experience from the beginning I would have realized it was a dynamic that existed all along.

I was a domme long before I chose to take it on as a profession, or had a partner to serve me, or even a word to associate it with; being domme is a natural assertiveness, an inclined state of mind; but just as long as I’ve been a domme I’ve been a writer, both of which are innate in me and have incredible spiritual and psychological benefits; so really it only makes sense to assemble a blog correlating the two.

With that being said I don’t have any experience in writing blogs, in fact I don’t really have much experience in reading them (aside from the occasional pegging or bondage blog that I inadvertently come across). I don’t have a favorite “blogger” or a particular format that I follow, so for now, until I gain more experience this is going to be a sort of a conscious free-flowing thought. It’s something I’ve been considering for quite sometime, so regardless of if it’s interesting or written correctly, or even good I’ve decided to just say fuck it, being the perfectionist that I am if I don’t write the first one just to write it, it’ll never get done.

Now that I’ve gotten that small disclaimer out of the way, back to the subject at hand……

It’s a topic that I take great interest in and will probably write about again in one reincarnation or another. However, it’s one particular, recent incident that peaked my present intrigue (aside from my own current selfish agenda).

I have a slave that is almost as dedicated to his therapist as he is to me. He sees us both on a weekly basis and contributes advancements in his personal healing process to both of us equally. The reason therapy works for so many people is pretty self explanatory, even for those who don’t understand the process or don’t accept psychology as a measurable science can still agree that the simple act of talking out your problems or opening up to another individual is extremely curative.

BDSM on the other hand is almost universally rejected by those who are foreign to the subject; particularly those in the psychological field. In fact up until a few years ago the very idea was considered an abnormality, perversion and an indication of mental illness. It would almost always be attributed to an “unidentified traumatic experience that took place in early childhood”… this by the way is pretty much the national anthem for psychologists that have no fucking clue what they’re talking about.

Nevertheless some have recently begun to reevaluate this theory, and even accept the idea that BDSM is a healthy outlet. Last year a study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine concluded that those that practice BDSM have a better mental state, and generally conduct healthier relationships then those that do not…However, even with this, I’m sure you can sympathies with my reservations when my slave asked permission to tell his therapist about me.

Our sessions take place in a professional setting which would most likely make it that much more incomprehensible for her. The truth is that I value my slave and the bond that we’ve created and I didn’t want to jeopardize that. However, I know that discussing this particular aspect of his life with her would be beneficial to his progress so I reluctantly agreed. Much to my surprise she actually determined our relationship to be a positive one, although admittedly she failed to understand it.

Now I’m no expert, and my little associates in psychology is nothing compared to the years this woman spent earning her doctrine. I don’t flatter myself, and I’ll willingly admit that I don’t understand most of the psychology coupled with the subject of BDSM, I do however understand my slave. I can take one look at him and read him like a fucking book without ever exchanging a word. I know when he’s vulnerable and needs to be nurtured, and I know when he’s experiencing feelings of guilt and needs to be punished. I don’t judge him and I don’t take advantage of him and that’s the beauty of this whole thing.

When all is said and done dommes are healers, regardless if they take on the role of the loving nursemaid or the stern governess it’s an exchange of energy. The domme takes a lot of things from her slave, control, humility, even manhood, but what she gives him in return in one form or another is love. Even the very relationship that exists between a sub and their domme entails more trust then any vanilla relationship either might encounter.

The dynamics are complicated, the situations are subjective, and the outcomes are infinite. The truth is the best things in life aren’t meant to be understood, only experienced, and what fun would it be if it was all backed by some kind of formulated rationale anyway?

-Mistress Kayla

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