Instinct

I couldn’t help myself. I knew better, but the desire to have you was almost animalistic. Of course, I didn’t want you in the way that you want to be wanted. My intentions toward you were something different entirely. It wasn’t enough for me to just have you, I wanted to own you…sounds kind of selfish right?

I couldn’t seem to conduct myself in a non-predatory way; despite my best efforts every time I was in your presence, I could only focus on controlling you. The core intent in every action I made was to seduce you. But I didn’t seduce you in the way you wanted to be seduced…I didn’t want to lure you into my bed, I wanted to force you to your knees.

Now of course this wasn’t your forte, not that I’d ever come right out and ask you. That wouldn’t be fun now would it? Normally I have no problem just relaying my rigorous list of demands and expecting my subject to eagerly comply. However, that wasn’t the case this time. You started to become more of a conquest and less of a person.

I felt guilty. As someone that so strongly advocates the consensual side of play I was ashamed of my actions, but just couldn’t help myself. I had to have you, and it had to be in the way that I wanted it. It wasn’t manipulative or malicious, just primitive. I wanted you to want it, and I knew that if I could just get you in the position to taste it you’d develop a craving. The loss of control I felt over myself only propelled the need to control you.

You wanted me, you made that pretty evident from the beginning. You wanted me in the same way that all men want me; perhaps even something more. You’d always look at me in awe with indescribable admiration. I wanted you to admire me; but not in the way that you did. It made me feel bad.

I had no intention of loving you, of course I’d love you to some extent; the practice of BDSM seems to create that bond. I suppose it’s something to do with the implicit trust. I wanted to share that with you, I wanted you to see how beautiful it really is. How freeing it feels to be owned, but I knew that wasn’t the kind of bond you were looking for.

I was afraid I was going to ruin you, you craved a certain normalcy that I could trump entirely. I just wanted to expand your horizons, and offer you experiences you couldn’t obtain in the past. I wanted to give you something you didn’t know you needed, but I knew if I gave it to you, you would start to fiend for it. I wanted you to have it, but I couldn’t be the one to give it to you.

I’m good at reading people, hearing the words that are never spoken. I knew you in ways you probably didn’t even know yourself. I knew your body without ever exploiting it. I knew you’d easily become addicted, and I’d easily become bored. I also knew you’d easily become hurt, and as bad as I wanted you, I decided to back off completely.

It was easier to resist the urge if I cut off contact with you, and so I did. Several months went by before you finally gave up. After a while I forgot about the urge entirely. I didn’t think about you much at all after that, and I could remember the impulse to own you, but couldn’t remember quite how it felt. Then the other day I’m going through my emails. I notice one, and written in the subject line is, “I need to be controlled.” I open the email, and guess what…it was you.